Movie Churches' Bottom Ten Worst Films

As you read this, remember that any list of worst films doesn't really list the worst films. The worst film ever made was probably a community college film class project in Staten Island or Terre Haute or Fresno. They didn't have any money to make the film, and it was made only to fulfill a general ed requirement. Fortunately, most of us won't ever see the film (unless we happen to be in the same class -- and then we'd have the satisfaction that at least our film wasn't that bad). 

But it’s one thing to make a bad film with little talent and few resources. It's really painful for an audience to watch a bad film made by a studio with millions of dollars and an experienced cast and crew.

It’s also worth noting that some bad films are very entertaining. For instance, Ed Wood’s Plan Nine from Outer Space is often listed as one of the worst films of all time, but it’s quite funny with its wooden performances and cardboard tombstones -- and I’d rather watch it again than many Best Picture Nominees.

There are two things likely to earn a film a place on this list. First, being boring. I’d much rather watch an outrageous film that is poorly acted and written than a “well-made” film in which nothing happens. (I’m not talking about a film like My Dinner with Andre. Sure, all that “happens” in that film is two men having dinner, but so much “happens” in their conversation, and it is quite entertaining.)

The other thing that earns a film a place on this list is the film’s message. Since ultimately this is a blog about faith, there are films that present lies as the truth and hope that is really despair. Those are the worst films in my opinion. 

Anyway, here are films I really couldn't stand -- the worst ten:

10) The Redeemed aka Act of Contrition (2019) 
It seems like I reviewed this film just last week. Because it was just last week I reviewed this film. It was the last film I watched for this blog and one of the worst. Global Genesis Group, producers of many low-budget films, brought us this mess about a member of a mob family trying to reconcile with his family before he dies. Or something like that. It was such a mess of wooden acting, lecturing dialogue, flashbacks, and voice-overs that I couldn’t properly follow the plot. And I didn’t care about the plot. And the clergy in the film were awful.

9) God’s Club (2015)

I’ve watched many Christian films for this blog, and as a rule, they're bad. Frankly, I have some sympathy for the filmmakers. I’ve written a lot of skits and Christmas programs for churches, and it's tough to balance the message with entertainment with realism. Propaganda isn’t necessarily bad, but it is very difficult to do well. If the message is “love your neighbor as yourself,” that’s swell -- but if the message comes out preachy, few will be reached with it. 

The worst are Christian films that don’t even get the message right. God's Club is one of those stories of good Christians versus bad unbelievers. A town that doesn't seem to have a single church, but does have a pretty good sized high school (I don't believe such a town exists in the United States). There's a Christian club at that high school that the bad secularists are trying to destroy. 

Worst of all, the film includes bad theology: according to it, any suicide leads to the lakes of hell. That's not supported by Scripture, and it's damaging to people suffering from mental illness (and their loved ones).

And be wary if Stephen Baldwin is in the cast. If Corbin Bernsen and Lorenzo Lamas are in the cast as well, really, there's no hope.

8) Van Helsing (2004) 

I admit it, I have a fondness for horror films, even poorly made ones. But this big-budget film starring Hugh Jackman has no excuse for being so bad. Universal has a rich heritage with their films about Dracula, Frankenstein’s monster, and the Wolf Man, but this film is a sorry hash. Worst of all (for us here at Movie Churches, anyway) is the character who drinks, curses, and sleeps around but explains, “I’m a friar, not a monk.”

7) The Confessor aka The Good Shepherd (2004) 

Christian Slater made some pretty good films in the 20th century -- we even looked at a couple of them here in Movie Churches (Heathers and Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves). But in the 21st century, his films have been, as a rule, direct-to-DVD or streaming and awful. We’ve featured some of his bad films as well as the good ones: The Way of the Wicked, Sacrifice, and worst of all, The Confessor.

In this film, confessions at a Catholic church are tape-recorded and used for blackmail. Of course, there’s murder and fundraising, most of the worst stuff found in the Roman Catholic Church but not, you know, presented in an interesting manner.

6) Robin Hood (2018) 

I just mentioned a Robin Hood film, and we'll look at another version in Movie Churches’ best films. This film, though, tosses the traditions of the character away and makes the film fit the mold of any other modern action film. Plus it goes out of its way to make the church as abhorrent as possible.

5) The Sandpiper (1965) 

Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor made eleven films together, and some of those films were excellent, like The Taming of the Shrew and Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? They also made some bad ones. Cleopatra was such a bomb it nearly bankrupted a studio. The Sandpiper was one of the bad ones.

Burton plays an Episcopal priest who runs a parochial school. He’s also married to Eva Marie Saint. But when he meets the beautiful mother of one of his students, he considers leaving his ministry and marriage for the woman. Is there a more difficult question in ministry than blonde or brunette?

4) Shanghai Surprise (1986)

No doubt much of the marketing for Burton and Taylor films was based on their offscreen romance. That was also the marketing hook for this film starring newlyweds Madonna and Sean Penn. It's the only film they made together -- no one wanted another after that. It does make one wonder who thought, “Do you know who would make a great missionary? Madonna!”

3) God’s Not Dead (2014) 

This was the film that let studios know that Christian films could make money. Sure The Passion of the Christ had made millions a decade before, but that was a Mel Gibson film. This film showed that a well-marketed Christian film could make money with no more star power than Duck Dynasty. This might have been fine, but in the cheesy world of Christian film, this piles the cheddar even higher.

There are many things I dislike about the film, but among them is that it sparked getting into an argument with a stranger in the theater. One of the plot lines in the film is about a Muslim father and daughter who are torn apart when the daughter becomes a Christian. As we watched this film in a discount theater, a man nearby scoffed, "That would never happen!"  I responded, "Yes it does." It doesn’t take much googling to find stories about honor killings in the western world, but this movie presents the situation in such a melodramatic way, I could understand the scoffing.

The worst part of the film comes at the end when two pastors pray with a man, who receives Christ as his savior just before he dies from injuries due to an auto accident. After he dies, the pastors celebrate, virtually high-fiving each other for their evangelistic victory. It's one of the more tasteless displays of religiosity I have ever seen.

2) Love Actually (2003) 

Yes, I know many people love this film. It’s a Christmas staple for many. But this film has no idea about what Christmas is all about. I really hate this celebration of debauchery.

1) License to Wed (2007) 

I met Robin Williams one time. I liked him very much. He did a number of great films. This was not one of those films.

The film is about a pastor of a church in an undeterminable denomination who becomes a psychopath in premarital counseling. Watching this film would make any normal person want to stay far, far away from any church or clergy. The whole point of this blog is to demonstrate that the world could use more good churches and good clergy.

And yes, I am ranking William’s Reverend Frank below pastors who were thieves and murderers. This was a miserable film.

For the sake of this blog, I watched these bad films all the way through. Sometimes twice. This blog now is almost done, and I can quit miserable films like that a few minutes in. So can you.

In Theaters Now! Church People

Church People (2021)

Mike Lindell, the man who founded the MyPillow company, is a lightning rod of controversy. In recent months, he was honored by then-President Trump. After the election, Lindell made statements about Democrats stealing the election. Lindell was, and probably will be forever linked with the January 6th rioters. This is all rather sad because Lindell founded MyPillow with some worthy goals, such as providing employment for ex-convicts and people looking to overcome addictions, but now Lindell is a villain to the political left and a hero to the political right. In an introduction to the new film, Church People, Lindell talks about the importance of bringing people in the church together, but it seems quite unlikely that at this time he's someone who could bring people together.

Also, considering the number of people that were in the theater the night we attended Saturday night, it's unlikely that Lindell will be widely known as a movie producer anytime soon, though he was executive producer for the new Christian comedy. (Lindell also plays a bit part in the film. Sharp eyes may spot the Mike Lindell bobblehead on the senior pastor's desk, but no one will be able to miss the MyPillow product placement.) Though we saw the film in a movie theater, it hasn’t been widely released but has had limited showings through Fathom events. 

Church People wants to be a satire of the gimmicks and stunts found in seeker-friendly and mega-churches. Since I served many years in youth ministry, I'm pleased to report that the hero is a youth pastor. Thor Ramsey plays youth pastor Guy Sides (it’s difficult to decide whether the actor's name or the character’s name is more unlikely). Ramsey's in his 50’s, and his character is asked if he isn't too old for his job. Guy responds, “Youth pastor means I minister to youth, not that I’m young!” The fact is that most (though not all) successful youth pastors are in their 20’s or 30’s. The people who stay in youth ministry longer than that tend to do a good job of recruiting and training other staff and or volunteers. In this film Guy seems to be running the youth group practically solo, in spite of taking a lengthy book tour as “America’s Youth Pastor.” (this title seems peculiar -- he seems to have only a couple dozen members in his youth group in a megachurch of thousands. I don’t see why he would be so acclaimed. 

Pastor Sides seems quite awkward with people, especially women. A woman who seems to recognize him comes into his office while he's talking with a student, and he tries to figure out why she's there -- is she the parent of a student? Does she want to be a volunteer? He scrambles to find a volunteer form in his desk as the woman is obviously amused that he doesn't recognize her.  (The film’s initial title was Youth Group. In spite of this, the youth are mostly anonymous and minimally involved in the story.)

Turns out she's Carla Finney (Erin Cahill), the daughter of the senior pastor. For the past ten years, she's been a missionary in Molvania (not a real country) and she's just returned home after a broken engagement. 

I would assume the church would have supported Carla, so I was baffled Guy wouldn’t recognize her -- even after an unlikely absence of ten years. Before long, he and Carla are dating and having quite intimate conversations with her in front of the students in the youth group (which is -- obviously -- quite unprofessional) The students are surprisingly invested in the relationship between Guy and Carla (they are quite disappointed when they don’t kiss in front of them). 

Carla’s father, Pastor Skip Finney (Michael Monks), is also overly involved with his daughter’s love life. He tries to set her up with Tino (Joey Fatone) who seems to have the singular profession of church soloist. He is a simple (dim) man, which is why Skip thinks he’ll be “safe” for his daughter. No one in the film seems to think it might be okay for Carla to be, um, maybe, single. Everyone seems very concerned that she should be in a relationship and not waste time going back to the mission field. 

Pastor Skip has what he believes are big plans for his church. He tries to bolster attendance by using BMX riders on the stage behind him while he preaches. He challenges the congregation to raise attendance by saying if a bar is reached, he will have the church logo tattooed on his bicep at the end of a service. But his biggest stunt is planned for Good Friday. He decides to crucify someone on stage in the Good Friday worship service. Since none of the staff agree to be crucified (even though they -- probably -- won't be killed), he recruits a high school student, Blaise, a new believer. (Fortunately, the ‘G’ rating assures audiences they won’t really witness a crucifixion in the film.)

Pastor Guy is outraged that Skip is taking advantage of one of his students, and the majority of the film is Guy’s attempt to prevent Blaise (Clancy McCartney) from having nails hammered into his hands and feet.

The only really competent person who works at Sand Hills Neighborhood Church is head greeter Chad Chase (played by Stephen Baldwin. It’s a double Baldwin film with Billy Baldwin playing Blaise’s father.) Chase knows the names of most of the members of the congregation and is aware of their needs. He genuinely seems to care about other people, which seems out of the wheelhouse of the pastoral staff, which is focused on numbers and influence. (Guy does give lip service to concern for the Gospel and his students, but he doesn’t really seem to be very good at his job.)

This is why we are giving Sand Hills Neighborhood Church and its staff a mere two steeples for its Movie Churches rating.

We weren't crowded in the theater. 

Mindy channels her inner inaugural Bernie.

Christmas Movie Churches: Midnight Clear (2006)

Sometimes I wonder why Christian films have a bad name. And then I see something like Midnight Clear and I say, “Oh, yeah, now I remember!”

MIdnight Clear, made in 2006, was based on short story by written by Jerry Jenkins, the co-writer of the Left Behind series. (We previously reviewed the Nick Cage film version of Left Behind.) The film was directed by Jerry’s son, Dallas, and was a production of the family company, Jenkins Entertainment. The feature film was based on a short film from Jenkins as well.

The story takes place on Christmas Eve, and there are a number of intertwining stories that sort of, but not quite, all come together. There is a man, Lefty (Stephen Baldwin), who loses his job, threatening his chance to have custody of his children. There is an old, poor woman named Eva (K Callan) contemplating suicide. A woman and her child, still suffering the consequences of an accident that took place a year ago, are stranded at a gas station with car problems. And a youth pastor takes his high school students Christmas caroling.

But as we do here at Movie Churches, we’ll just be focusing on the pastor (Richard Fancy as Pastor Mark), youth pastor (Mitchell Jarvis as Mitch), and their church.

So, about the church. They do seem to fill up pretty well for the 10:45 PM service on Christmas Eve, but if a church doesn’t have people in church on Christmas Eve… Anyway, the church does seem to have a nice building with stained glass and choir robes. On to the clergy.

The senior pastor assigns the youth pastor the task of taking the high schoolers Christmas caroling to shut-ins on Christmas Eve. The pastor gives the youth pastor cards to hand out at each stop, along with an envelope containing a $20 bill. The youth are also instructed  to invite the shut-ins to come to the 10:45 pm service, offering them a ride to the church.

I see all kinds of problems with this plan (which I will explain in a moment), but MItch’s objection to the plan is that caroling is dorky. Pastor Mark responds that “Not everything the kids do has to be cool or hip, sometimes they just need to do ministry.” I think Pastor Mark is, for the most part, right about that. I went caroling with a church last week, and it was kind of awesome.

But here are some of the problems with the plan. First of all, Christmas Eve is a time when most American families spend time together. Relatives from out of town arrive; wonderful food is made and shared. Why would a church ask teens to spend those family hours out caroling, then hanging out at church until the worship service?

Another problem: the youth pastor talks about the shut-ins they’re going to visit as if they’re aliens. Mitch jokes with the students, “Old people are still people. I’m not sure that’s true, but I’ll look it up on the internet.” Sure, it’s a joke, but a pretty bad one. Try inserting “black” or “white” in place of “old” and you begin to see how sad it is. One of the great things I’ve observed about good churches is that they provide a chance for young people to spend time with old people, and if it isn’t happening at this Movie Church, that’s really too bad.

To continue with problems I see in this movie church, what’s with the $20 gift in the envelopes? Of course, some shut-ins are poor and some are well to do, but cash really the best way to show love and caring on Christmas Eve?

We do need to note that when the kids go caroling with the youth pastor, the youth pastor does all the talking with the old people, which pretty much consists of offering them a ride to church that night. In my experience, most elderly people want to interact with kids, and it would probably be good for the kids to interact with the older people.

It’s hard to believe that all the shut-ins the kids visit would be home alone on Christmas Eve, probably the one time when even the worst of grown children and relatives make an effort to spend time with shut-ins, even if it’s only out of guilt.

And why, of all times, invite elderly shut-ins to a service which will run past midnight on a very cold night? There are health concerns here. Why not offer rides for Sunday mornings in the future?

Still, the thing that most bothered me about Mitch and Pastor Mark’s approach to ministry was that they seemed to view the caroling outing a failure because none of the shut-ins agreed to go to church. When Pastor Mark asks how caroling went, Mitch says “0 for 7.” So ministry doesn’t seem to be about caring for people and helping them where they are, it seems to be all about getting people into the church building.

The climax of the film occurs when Lefty brings Eva to church. Mitch knows none of the backstory for the characters, but finds solace in that one of the shut-ins came to church so he didn’t waste his Christmas Eve.

Hey, I’m all for going to church. I plan on going to church Christmas Eve and Christmas Day this year. But I’m also all for spending Christmas with family --and even more for spending it with Jesus, which also doesn’t get a lot of notice in this Christmas film.

So I’m giving this Movie Church two steeples; because it’s Christmas.

I'm in Love with a Church Girl (2013)

A quick story before this week’s Movie Church review: when I was an intern at Fullerton Evangelical Free Church, a pastor on the staff, Gary Richmond, told a story on himself. Seems he was teaching on materialism and made the bold statement that if someone was really trying to follow Christ, that person shouldn’t be driving a Mercedes. Shortly after that, Gary’s car died. A generous person in the congregation offered Gary a replacement: a worn and battered Mercedes. Which Gary then drove.

It was a nice little lesson on judgmental attitudes which also featured God’s sense of humor. But it also reminds me of a scene in “I’m in Love with a Church Girl.” The movie tells the story of a drug dealer turned music promoter who falls for a young woman who works in a Christian “book” store (like many such places it seems to feature more t-shirts and CDs than books. She identifies it as a "faith based products store"). She eventually convinces him to come to church, where he sees a man pull into a parking lot in a shiny white Lamborghini. After church, Vanessa introduces Miles to the driver of the car, Pastor Galley. As the couple gawk at the worship leader’s car and gaudy jewelry, the pastor says, “The Bible says nothing about style being a sin.”

Now as new Lamborghinis retail at up to a quarter of million dollars, and throughout the New Testament we see examples of people selling their possessions for the poor, I must admit I have a hard time seeing how someone in ministry can own such a car. (I partly say this in light of Gary’s story, in hope that a divine, ironic twist of fate will bring such a car into my possession.)

There is a strange undercurrent of materialism throughout the film. The "church girl" of the film, Vanessa (Adrienne Bailon), is portrayed as epitome of Godliness, but she is obviously drawn by Miles's car and mansion. When Miles gives her a ride on a private jet for her birthday, shes give no thought to what the money spent on the trip could do to stock the pantry of a soup kitchen or buy goats for a destitute family in Guinea-Bissau. Perhaps part of the reason for this is her pastor's example and the wealth of those in her church Bible study.

Now I should get to writing again about the church in the film. (If you’re new to these parts, we review churches in films, not the films themselves. No need for an extensive review of this film anyway, once you see Stephen Baldwin is in the cast. If you see that particular Baldwin in the credits and the film was made in this century, the prospects are not good.)

We never hear the name of the church in the film (at least I didn’t catch it), but two San Jose churches are credited, Evergreen Valley Church and Church on the Hill. The exterior of the church featured has a bit of the appearance of a circus tent and Vanessa calls it “the best show on earth…and it’s free!”

When Vanessa enters the church with Miles (played by Ja Rule), she is instantly greeted by an usher at the door who says, “Let me take you to your parents,” abandoning his post at the door. The worship team seems to have a performance focus, and people in the congregation seem to be enjoying the show but not singing along. After the service, we see a woman from the worship team assure Pastor Galley the service was “awesome” and he says, “I had a great time…the Spirit was really moving.”

After a great deal of drama between Vanessa and Miles, including a coma for Vanessa and questioning from the police for Miles, the couple returns to church. The pastor says “Good morning, Church,” and reads about trials from James 1. He points to the example of Vanessa and her family. After a very brief sermon, the pastor has an altar call, and Miles is the sole person who comes forward.

In a montage we see Vanessa and Miles’ wedding, Miles’ baptism, and a title card tells us that three years later, Miles went into the ministry. This is not exactly a twist ending if you know that the whole film is written by Pastor Galley Molina (who played the pastor with the car) based on his own life story. (Knowing Molina based Miles on his own life makes one wonder about all the times in the film people talk about Miles’ good looks and charm.)

There is one other church talked about in the film. Miles was dragged by his mother to a Catholic church growing up. He says he was bored every Sunday, the music was horrible, the service was gloomy, and he was spooked by the statues and pictures. No mention is made about what kind of ride the priest drove back in the day.

But I will give the church we see in the film three steeples. There is something to be said for a church that makes drug kingpins welcome. (I’m not sure what that something is, but it is something, and we're looking forward to finding out this Sunday.)