The very first Movie Church post

Back in 2014, Dean started reviewing churches and clergy at Dean and Mindy go to church. It wasn't long before we realized that those posts deserved their own blog. Now that we've finished up the church visitation project, the time is right to move all the movie churches here where they belong. (Observant readers will notice that in this first movie church post, Dean hadn't started giving steeple ratings.)

The Best Christmas Pageant Ever (1983)
Since this is the first movie post, I want to make it clear what this is about, so you’ll be in the know. Those poor folks who start reading after this week will be baffled but not you. These movie posts will review not movies, but rather the churches portrayed in movies.

For example, I recently saw John Wick. The film features Keanu Reeves in a mindless but stylish retread of 1980’s Chuck Norris, Sly Stallone type action films --perfectly fine if you like that kind of thing (and I do). But in this column, we wouldn’t be analyzing the direction of Chad Stahelski or the plotting of screenwriter Derek Kolstad. We'd just jump ahead to the church portrayed in the film. The church is some sort of Orthodox denomination with a massive building in NYC. But apparently, that just serves as a front for an Eastern European mob. I’m giving the church in the film a big thumbs down. Call me old fashioned, but I don’t like churches with clergy on the take with syndicate drug money, where sitting in a pew could get you shot in a spectacular gun battle.

For this first month of movie churches, I’ll be reviewing churches in Christmas films, starting with The Church with No Name in The Best Christmas Pageant Ever, a cheesy made-for-TV version of a pretty wonderful children’s book.

As I’ve indicated, I never did catch the name of the church from watching the film, but let’s go through some of the church’s pros and cons before we decide on whether to give it a thumbs up or a thumbs down.

Pro: Thriving Children’s Ministry
Every kid in town seems to go to the Church with No Name’s Sunday School class and participate in the annual Christmas program. Well, every kid except for those in the Herdman family, youngster thugs who are devoted to extorting from other children and blowing stuff up real good. The story is about when even the Herdmans decide to become involved with the Christmas program.

Con: A Network of Gossips
When the Herdmans become a part of the Christmas program, every woman in the church seems to be on the telephone talking with every other woman in the church about how awful it is that these young reprobates are befouling their sacred building. (Jesus, on the other hand, was pretty positive about when sinners came to see Him.)

Pro: A Minor CelebrityAttending the church and directing the Christmas program is none other than Loretta Swit, television celebrity. Didn’t recognize anyone else in the church, but it would be cool to say, “You know Hot Lips from the show M*A*S*H? She goes to our church.”

Con: Cowardly, Mealy-mouthed Clergy
The pastor wants to buckle under the pressure of the gossiping women and plans to cancel the Christmas program because the Herdman children are involved. Skittish pastors are not a pretty sight.

Pro: Grape Juice Served for Communion
I know many of you probably prefer wine for communion, but in the film, the Herdman kids get into the grape juice stash. I used to sometimes get a hold of the leftover communion grape juice and drink it until I was sick. And I can tell you both situations would have been a lot worse if wine had been involved.

Con: Little Support for Volunteers
Ms. Swit seems to be on her own directing the Christmas program (with the exception of her reluctant daughter).

But I have two pros left:

Pro: Christmas Program Goes Well
The Herdman kids manage to inject some earthy reality into the show, and it touches people.

Finally, one more Pro:
Early in the story, after a church service, one of the Herdman kids asks, “What isthe Christmas program about?” and someone responds, “It’s about Jesus.” And the Herdman kid says, “Everything in this church is about Jesus.”

Now if “everything… is about Jesus”, then that church definitely would get a thumbs up and I’d want to go to there.

It's Christmas (again) at Movie Churches!

As is our tradition at Movie Churches since we began, this month we’ll be looking at Christmas films. This being the fifth December writing these posts, it becomes increasingly a challenge to find Christmas movies where churches/clergy have a prominent role. The easy fruit has been picked from the proverbial pear tree (The Bishop’s Wife, The Bells of St. Mary's) and it sometimes seems all that’s left is partridge droppings.

Many Christmas classics don’t have what it takes to be material for this blog. Films like White Christmas or The Nightmare Before Christmas are almost faith-free (and are certainly ecclesiastical free), so it becomes necessary to cast a wider net and dig deeper (to mix our fishing and mining metaphors) to find different Christmas films that also have a church element.

There are some areas we’d rather not get into. When we think of “Blue Christmas,” we’d rather think of “blue” as sad and not raunchy. Raunchy Christmas comedies have become a part of Hollywood’s regular offerings. Bad Santa seems to be the first big hit of the genre, and such things have been coming along regularly ever since, such as. Think 2015’s The Night Before or 2016’s Office Christmas Party.

Sure, we did once do a post on edgy Christmas comedies, but we’d rather not visit A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas territory very often. We just don’t want to encourage sordid viewing at this joyous time of year.

And that’s why you won’t see a post about 2017’s A Bad Moms Christmas -- even though we read that the film features Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve at Our Lady of Perpetual Suffering (“the premier place to be”).

Sure, it might be a little funny if one of the mothers says her reason for being at the service is that “all the bars are closed.” Even if this scene made us wonder why the service in the film seems not to be too crowded when Christmas Eve (along with Easter) is the one time you can be assured of a crowd in a church. Even if two of the characters get into a loud and prolonged discussion during the service and no one around them seems to mind, these things are not enough to recommend writing or reading a post about this film.

Even if someone had taken the time to watch this comedy (with a 30% rating at Rotten Tomatoes), would someone want to admit they’d sat through the sex jokes and children cursing and male strippers just to be able to have a different Christmas film to write about? I think not.

So instead of raunchy Christmas comedies, we’ll kick off Christmas month this Friday with a violent action film. Merry Christmas!

Seen on the Small Screen in California

(Warning - the following post is about Christmas and therefore mature images are displayed) During this year, there have been times when it was difficult to find even a few films set and/or filmed in a state, let alone find a way to watch them (Delaware and West Virginia, I’m looking at you). California (like New York and Illinois) provides the opposite problem. There are so many films set in (and especially filmed in) the state, it’s difficult to limit things for one post. Because it’s Christmas Eve Eve, I decided to focus on California Christmas films.

Really, you can claim most every Christmas film (except perhaps Elf and Home Alone) for California. After all, White Christmas, It’s a Wonderful Life, even Christmas in Connecticut and so many others, were filmed in California though they’re set somewhere else -- usually a place with snow. But in the spirit of Christmas, I’m going to let Vermont have White Christmas, Connecticut have Christmas in Connecticut, and wherever can claim Bedford Falls for It’s a Wonderful Life. And I’m not even bothering with television specials in spite of such treasures as the California Raisins Christmas Special. For our California films, we’ll confine ourselves to Christmas films set (and filmed) in California.

Every year there is a Twitter storm of argument of whether or not Die Hard (1988) is a Christmas film. Some people argue that a film must be “about Christmas,” while others say any film set at Christmas time and with Christmas elements should count. Our family decided the issue for ourselves long ago. We have a tradition on Christmas Eve Eve of gathering in the living room with plenty of snacks for a Christmas movie marathon. Films that were part of the rotation included Elf, It’s a Wonderful Life, Scrooge (the musical version of A Christmas Carol), MIracle on 34th Street, and yes, Die Hard.

If you’ve never seen this Yuletide classic, it’s the story of a NYPD officer who comes to Los Angeles at Christmas time to visit his wife, who’s taken a job with a Japanese company’s Southern California office. Unfortunately, his wife’s office Christmas Eve party is taken over by terrorists. (Have you ever noticed that no one in movies ever gets Christmas Eve off? In It’s a Wonderful Life, children are going to school on Christmas Eve day!)

Anyway, Die Hard has all the elements of Christmas. There is the music: Al of the LAPD sings “Let it Snow” and Beethoven's “Ode to Joy” (which is a Christmas tradition in Japan) is an important part of the soundtrack. There’s an appearance of Santa Claus (okay, so it’s just a dead terrorist in a Santa hat, but it’s the thought, you know). There’s even a Christmas miracle! (Which benefits the terrorists, but still…) Really, isn’t saving your wife from terrorists and punching a TV reporter what Christmas is all about? (Also, if you’d rather your Christmas didn’t include brief nudity along with not at all brief profanity and violence, this probably isn’t your Christmas film.) Of course, it was filmed entirely in California, with the Fox Plaza in the role of the Nakatomi building.

The writer (and occasional director) Shane Black has made combining violence and Christmas the mainstay of his career. He wrote and Richard Donner directed Lethal Weapon (1987), a pioneer buddy cop film starring Mel Gibson as suicidal Martin Riggs and Danny Glover as his family man partner, Roger Murtaugh. The film features a very funny, though violent and profane, confrontation in a Christmas tree lot.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Christmas Elf

In Delaware, we saw Black’s The Nice Guys (2016) in a movie theater. It’s another film that combines crime and Christmas. Probably my favorite Shane Black film is Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005), with Robert Downey Jr. as an actor playing a detective in the movies getting detective lessons from Val Kilmer who plays an actual detective. There’s a Christmas party in the film where the true Spirit of Christmas is not at all present.

This combination of crime and Christmas is not a new Hollywood innovation. When Robert Montgomery brought Raymond Chandler’s Lady in the Lake (1947) to the big screen, he set it at Christmas time (not a part of the novel). The opening credits are illustrated with Christmas cards and a gun -- but this is not the oddest thing about the film. Most of the movie is shot in first person, from detective Philip Marlowe’s perspective. (The experiment doesn’t work.)

Last year, I wrote about a Christmas film partially set (and entirely filmed) in California, The Miracle of the Bells (1948). Starring Frank Sinatra as a priest, it is, as I wrote at the time, one of the few films, let alone few Christmas films, all about making funeral arrangements.

I’ll Be Home for Christmas (1998) was made to try to make Jonathan Taylor Thomas, one of the kids from the TV show Home Improvement, into a movie star.  It’s the story of a college student’s journey from his school in California to his home in New York, filmed in California and Canada. Disney Studios did not manage to make Thomas a major movie star.

Four Christmases (2008) stars Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn as a couple who wants to spend Christmas in Fiji, but ends up spending time with each of their parent’s home (all of whom have divorced and remarried). The film was shot in both Southern California (LA and Santa Clarita) and Northern California (San Francisco and Oakland).

Beside the fact that this films stars Ben Affleck and Jame Gandolfini, I have no idea what  Surviving Christmas (2004) is about, but it doesn’t look very good. And it was set and filmed in California.

A true perennial Christmas classic, Holiday Inn (1942), starring Bing Crosby as a New York showman who decides to open an inn in Connecticut that will only be open on holidays. The finale of the film takes place at a Hollywood studio, and the scene in the Hollywood studio was filmed in Hollywood, as were scenes set in New York and Connecticut. The film introduced Irving Berlin’s “White Christmas” and won the Oscar for Best Song.

It’s true that all the best versions of A Christmas Carol (both titled Scrooge that came out in 1951 and 1970) were filmed in England, not California. Maybe we’ll watch those films there someday.

(I'll admit that really none of these California Christmas films comes close to presenting the true meaning of Christmas. If you're looking for the REAL meaning of Christmas, you might start with this film.)

Christmas Movie Churches Repost: The Bishop's Wife and The Preacher's Wife

The Preacher's Wife (1996) and The Bishop's Wife (1947)

This is, of course, a review of the churches in these films, not the films themselves; which is probably for the best this week, as the original film and its remake share a frankly bizarre plot. A clergyman and his wife are having marital difficulties, so God sends an angel to have a platonic affair with the wife. You know, like the Creator of the Universe does.

Fortunately, I don't have to explain why the title character of The Bishop's Wife, Loretta Young, seems oblivious to the fact that people will gossip if she goes dining and ice skating alone with Dudley the Angel (Cary Grant). We don't have to puzzle over why the title character of The Preacher's Wife, Whitney Houston, thinks it's okay to "window shop" for a man other than her husband, mistaking angel Denzel Washington for a man.

No, thankfully, we just have to look at the churches. The Bishop's Wife has two Episcopal churches: St. Timothy's, the church where Bishop David Niven used to be pastor, and the other church he currently pastors in the film. I didn't catch the name of that church, so for our purposes we'll call it St. David's. The church in The Preacher's Wife is Saint Matthew's, an unusual name for what seems to be a Baptist church. We'll look at different aspects of ministry in each of these churches.

FOCUS AND VISION: The leadership of both St. David's and St. Matthew's seems primarily concerned about the building program and fundraising. For some reason, most churches in Hollywood films (from Going My Way to Sister Act) seem primarily concerned with building programs and fundraising. I've attended enough congregational and leadership meetings to attest to the fact these are among the more dull functions of a church. St. Timothy's, on the other hand, seems to be primarily concerned with its music program, their boys' choir.

MUSIC PROGRAM: As just mentioned, St. Timothy's has a quite wonderful boys' choir. The highlight of the film for me was their performance of Charles Gounod's "Noel." The choir does have a rather odd rehearsal schedule -- the boys come together for one song and then depart. But it seems to work. There's not much to say about St. David's music program. As for the music at St. Matthew's, with Whitney Houston as choir director and soloist and Lionel Richie playing the piano, there certainly is a degree of excellence.

PASTORAL LEADERSHIP: The current pastor at St. Tim's seems to be a good guy, but is rather obsequious toward the Bishop. Bishop Henry used to be fun and compassionate but has become weary and burdened. Preacher Henry seems incapable of delegating; he takes on every ministry of the church -- from visitation to youth ministry to preaching to legal representation -- on his own.

TEACHING AND PREACHING: We don't really learn much about the teaching at St. Timothy's, but the theology of the one song we hear sung there is sound. The final sermon we hear at the end of The Bishop's Wife isn't too bad. It's about not leaving Christ out of Christmas. Of course, it's written by Dudley the Angel, but the Bishop takes the credit. The teaching at St. Matthew's is pretty awful. The preacher's final sermon is sort of a new age "we just have to believe in ourselves and we can do anything if we just believe" kind of thing.

PRAYER: Again, nothing about prayer from St. Timothy's. The Bishop does pray for the problems of the church and learns to accept God's will rather than his own in answer to his prayers. Preacher Henry, on the other hand, presents one of the worst analogies I've ever heard about prayer. While talking to a young man facing trial he says, "Do you play basketball? Prayer is like when you take a shot and the time between the shot and the basket, you hope. And that is what prayer is like." So I guess in that analogy: Shooter = Person Praying, Shot = Prayer, Basket = God. As someone who is a horrible shot in basketball, I must say I really hate that analogy. If I had to have a sports analogy for prayer, I'd rather compare it to a son having a catch with his father like in Field of Dreams.

So if I had to choose one church to go to, it would be St. Timothy's, because they really do have a good boys' choir. But I’m only giving two steeples to each church.

Note: This review originally appeared in Dean and Mindy Go to Church, 12/11/14

Black Nativity (2013)

First of all, let's make one thing clear: this film must not be confused with Black Christmas. So before you pop the corn and gather the family around for a heartwarming reimagining of the Christmas story as the birth of Jesus in Harlem, be sure you have the correct film! You probably do not want to show Grandma and little Billy and Susie either Bob Clark's Black Christmas or the remake, even though Clark was the director of  A Christmas Story. Both BCs are slasher films about escaped maniacs dressed as a homicidal Santa.

More important for this site, as far as I know neither version of Black Christmas features a church. If I ever see either film and find out differently, I'll let you know.

Where was I? Oh, right, Black Nativity. The 2013 film is based on Langton Hughes' 1961 musical. Hughes was a poet, novelist, activist, and, of course, a playwright. There is a character in the film who's named Langston.

Langston is a fifteen year old boy living with his single mother (Jennifer Hudson) in Baltimore. When they receive an eviction notice just before Christmas, Langston is sent to New York City to stay with the grandparents he's never met.

Arriving in the city, Langston is mistaken for a thief and put in jail. His grandfather, a minister, comes to bail him out, though he assumes the charges are true. The Reverend Cornell Cobbs (Forest Whitaker) brings his grandson home with judgment all over his face. Fortunately, Langston's grandmother (Angela Bassett) greets the boy with warmth and love.

When the boy sits down for an eagerly awaited dinner, the Reverend's prayer is interminably long. When he's finished praying, he asks about Langston's mother and visibly flinches when told she (his daughter!) has been tending bar. Langston can only take so much and rushes away from the table to his room upstairs.

Rev. Cobbs shows Langston a watch he received from Martin Luther King. He tells Langston the watch will be his someday, when the Reverend passes away. Langston decides to take it a little early and brings it to a pawnbroker, who recognizes it as the cherished possession of the Rev. Cobbs. The pawnbroker tells the kid to return it, or he'll call the cops. Apparently everyone in Harlem, including the police, knows the Reverend Cobbs and respects him.

 

Langston wants to get away from his grandparents' home, but he also wants to get money for his mother, so he considers robbing the pawn store. Everything comes to a head on Christmas Eve.

The Reverend tells his grandson to come to the church service, adding, "Choose for yourself today what God you will serve, but as for me and my house we will serve the Lord."

At the service we see the Reverend in a grand robe surrounded by a full choir and glorious decorations. There is a reenactment of the nativity story. Langston falls asleep and dreams of Mary and Joseph coming to Harlem for the birth of their Child. Langston wakes up and leaves the service intending to rob the pawn shop. But instead, there is an unexpected intervention and discovery.

Back at the church, the Reverend is proclaiming that in Jesus, God entered into the world to make things right, to grant forgiveness. And that night, the Reverend, too, acknowledges his mistakes and his need for forgiveness. The Gospel is proclaimed, and the congregation sees the Good News heal the life of the Reverend and his grandson.

I do have one gripe about the Reverend Cobbs' church. On Christmas Eve, we see fundraising taking place to buy the church a new roof. Fundraising is sometimes necessary, but when guests and first time visitors come on Christmas Eve, they shouldn't be hit up for money. They need to receive before they can give.

 

Still, it seems like a good Movie Church, and the Reverend is a good man. I'm giving them Three Steeples.

Rude Christmas Comedies

A Merry Friggin' Christmas (2014), A Very Harold and Kumar 3-D Christmas (2011), and Christmas with the Kranks (2004)

A Merry Friggin' Christmas

A discussion of the best way to dispose of the body of a transient man believed dead is not what you'd expect to find in a heartwarming Christmas comedy.  A Merry Friggin' Christmas proves the validity of those low expectations; this is one awful film. Sadly, this was one of Robin Williams' final films. Williams plays Virgil Mitchler, the alcoholic patriarch of dysfunctional family meeting together at Christmas for the first time in years.

The family is brought together by a christening in a church, which is what brings me to this miserable little film. Nelson (Clark Duke), a son of Virgil, was abandoned by his wife. She returned a few months later and dropped off a baby that wasn't Nelson's. He decided to have his son, B.J., baptized at his church on Christmas Eve. As always, we are here to talk about the church in the film, rather than the film itself (which I can assure you, you want to avoid).

On Christmas Eve, the choir is leading the congregation in singing "It Came upon a Midnight Clear." Virgil makes up his own lyrics to the melody, singing, 'They didn't give lyrics to this song, so I can't sing along." It might be reasonable, perhaps, to expect the Christmas Eve congregation to know the first verses of "Joy to the World" or maybe "Silent Night" but not "Midnight Clear."

For the christening, Nelson is given a mike and allowed to tell the story of his abandonment and his child's Mexican paternity. I'm not sure all the visitors came expecting hear such a story, and there seem to be no limits on how long Nelson is free to speak. A church should always be careful with open mikes and testimonies, especially on Christmas Eve.

Now, it's always a tricky proposition to judge a church by the behavior of its parishioners, but one really would have to wonder about a church frequented by the Mitchlers, who spend their Christmas Eve in bouts of drunkenness, coarse talk, reckless driving and, as mentioned before, disposing of bodies.

A Harold and Kumar 3-D Christmas

Perhaps the Mitchlers aren't quite so bad when compared to the leads of A Harold and Kumar 3-D Christmas. In this second sequel to Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, the Yuletide is celebrated with irresponsible drug use, blasphemy, gratuitous nudity and Santa getting shot in the face. The church they visit does have a very nice Christmas tree, but in order to go to the Christmas Midnight Mass, one must buy tickets months in advance. Kumar believes the priests of the church are pedophiles and the nuns are promiscuous, but there's no evidence of any truth to these beliefs. (This film does feature one supremely wonderful gadget, the Wafflebot. Yes, a robot that makes you waffles. I want one.)

Christmas with the Kranks

Christmas with the Kranks is a much more wholesome comedy than the other two films. Not funnier, mind you, but PG rather than PG-13 or R. There is no church to be seen in the film, but there is an interesting church mention. Based on the John Grisham novel "Skipping Christmas" (and not only is there no church, there's also no courtroom), the film explores the ramifications of a couples' decision to take a cruise rather than celebrate Christmas.

The Kranks decide not to spend money on the trees, presents, decorations, etc. But the husband, Luther (Tim Allen), also wants to withhold their annual donation to their church and the children's hospital. The wife, Nora (Jamie Lee Curtis), insists on giving $600. What I found vaguely interesting is that Luther surprises Nora with the news they had spent $6000 the year before on Christmas. So their gift is roughly a Christmas tithe.  Which is generous and all, but considering they spent $83 the year before on "ornament repairs", the gift pales a bit.

These films are all bad, but we're giving the churches in them a generous 3 Steeples. After all, it's Christmas.

Christmas Movie Churches: Simon Birch (1998)

I've put on many Christmas programs and so I believe I can say this with authority: "If an angel vomits in your Christmas program, things are not going well." Last year for a Yuletide Movie Church I reviewed The Best Christmas Pageant Ever and so it seems only right this year to look at a film that features one of the worst Christmas pageants ever.

Simon Birch features a very interesting writing credit: "Suggested by the novel A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving." A Prayer for Owen Meany is a favorite novel of mine, but Irving didn't believe it could be successfully adapted, so he asked the writer/director of the film, Mark Steven Johnson, to change the names of the characters. Along with names, much of the film's story is changed from the book, but the Christmas pageant of the film, along with other scenes in the church, comes from the book.

Since this isn't Novel Churches, we'll look at the Movie Church in Simon Birch. I didn't catch its name. It seemed to be Anglican, since the pastor wears robes and is married, and the Sunday School teacher refers to Mass, which usually only happens in the Catholic or Orthodox churches. It could be the filmmakers just muffed that detail, not knowing Protestants tend not to do "Mass," but what are the odds of that?

The narrator of the film, Joe, finds the Sunday School teacher's name (Miss Leavey, played by the late Jan Hooks) to be very appropriate, since she frequently leaves the class for a smoke. Unattended, the class torments Joe's good friend, Simon Birch, who's abnormally small. (Joe is played by Joseph Mazzello, known by most of the world as the boy chased by raptors in Jurassic Park; also known in my household as Star Kid.)

Miss Leavey is in charge of the Christmas program, and the children are not pleased. One child volunteers to be Joseph, but everyone else tries to avoid being recruited. The girl chosen to be Mary doesn't look happy. The kids chosen to be Wise Men aren't happy. The kids chosen as shepherds are okay with it because they don't have speaking roles. The overweight kid chosen as the angel is very unhappy because he has lines to speak and will be suspended on a rope. The most unhappy of all is Simon Birch, a twelve year old boy assigned the role of the Baby Jesus.

The program begins with an adult choir singing "Joy to the World". It's a standard arrangement of the carol, so I don't know why the congregation doesn't sing it, but when the choir's done the curtain rises and we see a tableau of the kids enacting the manger scene. The overweight kid playing the angel is lowered toward the stage, and the audience gasps. The boy is suffering from acrophobia, and all he can say is "Fear not" -- more to himself than to the audience. The director stage whispers the next lines to him, but he can't say anything more.

Meanwhile, the girl playing Mary leans over Simon in the manger. Simon feels an attraction to the girl. In the novel this attraction is graphically described, but in both, Simon pulls the girl on top of him into the manger. The girl's boyfriend, playing one of the shepherds, tries to hit Simon, Joe intervenes; a brawl breaks out.

All the while, the angel keeps swinging, getting sick to his stomach, and he throws up all over Miss Leavey.

I don't think much in the way of spiritual truth is conveyed by the pageant, but you have to admit it's entertaining.

Also entertaining are Simon's outbursts in church. When I was a kid, at the Wikiup Evangelical Free Church, Pastor Bill Miller would, on occasion, misspeak. I, little punk that I was, would correct his mistakes. (For instance, he might refer to the comic strip "Peanuts" as "Snoopy." This could not stand in my 12 year old mind.) Pastor Miller, to his eternal credit, was always kind and gracious when I spoke I spoke up during his sermons.

The Reverend Russell (David Strathairn) in the film is not nearly so gracious. Following a rather pompous Scripture reading, the Reverend transitions to announcements (a rather incompetent order of service). The Reverend invites visitors to come downstairs after church for coffee and donuts with the Pastor and his wife. Simon pipes up with a voice that can't be ignored, "What does coffee and donuts have to do with God?"

Now, I happen to believe coffee and donuts have a good deal to do with the Kingdom of God. When Jesus came to earth He loved to eat and drink and was accused of being too much of a party guy (Luke 7:34). Simon's question should have provided the Reverend with an opportunity to instruct Simon on the importance of Christian fellowship. Instead, the Reverend sternly sends Simon off. Miss Leavey makes him wait in class alone until he apologizes to the Rev. Russell, who haughtily demands an apology. Off hand, I can't think of a time Jesus asked for an apology, though he deserved many.

When Simon refuses to apologize, the Reverend takes (and keeps) Simon's baseball cards. Miss Leavey says Simon shouldn't be allowed in church until he can act like a "normal person." I can't imagine how deserted most churches would be if only "normal people" attended. The Rev. says Simon won't be welcome at church, telling him the stern punishment is consistent with Proverbs15:10. Simon then quotes Proverbs 17:26, which the Rev recognizes. They have quite the Proverbs quoting competition, which is rather impressive.

But when Simon asks if God has a plan for his life, as Simon believes, the Reverend says he can't say. If you can't say that, you really shouldn't be in ministry. Yet, there must be something good about the church in that a very good and special kid like Simon, along with Joe and his family, want to be there. That's why I'm going to give the church in Simon Birch 2 Steeples.

A side note about something other than the Movie Church in the film: The novel A Prayer of Owen Meany begins with these words, "I am doomed to remember a boy with a wrecked voice -- not because of his voice, or because he was the smallest person I ever knew, or even because he was the instrument of my mother's death, but because he is the reason I believe in God; I am a Christian because of Owen Meany." In the film, Jim Carrey as the narrator says those same words, except that last phrase, "I am a Christian". Talking about belief in God is pressing it, but using the word "Christian" is just too much for Hollywood, I guess